Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
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kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.