How many vultures circling you is good luck?
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“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.