boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
You Might Also Like
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?