Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
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Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
being a writer on Twitter:
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
good work, everybody
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours