I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
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taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”