security at the airport getting more straightforward
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As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.