Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
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“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
*praying for world peace*
God:
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…