me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
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Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Don’t tell me what to do
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Said the murderer.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued