Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
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Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Hello Twits.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus