If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
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Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I have many caverns
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Safety first