[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
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My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes