Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
You Might Also Like
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.