Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
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My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
no refunds
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.