[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
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I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Knock Knock
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”