No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
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i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Facebook memories be like
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt