just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
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I’m sorry…what?
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.