Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
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[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.