Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
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Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
much to think about
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :