When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
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“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will