How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
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That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch