“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
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Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it鈥檚 over you鈥檒l have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON鈥橳 WANT IT TO BE OVER!
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I鈥檓 so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 馃
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
You can鈥檛 buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn鈥檛 contain?
I鈥檝e been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Something Saturday.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I know we are at war here, but, who didn鈥檛 pick up after their dog?
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*