There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
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Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.