No, YOUR illiterate.
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“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.