When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
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it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
#SaturdayBears
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.