My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
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Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.