Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
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I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.