That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
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I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary