Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
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Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do