FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
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Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
never ask a starfish for directions
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.