The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
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My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
<- sleeps well with others
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die