Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
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Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.