Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
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Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Not my job 😂
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.