Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
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I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Storm Tropical Storm
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.