” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
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You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car