When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
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[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
opening twitter today
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”