There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
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I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Golf would be better with landmines.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
¯_(ツ)_/¯
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.