Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
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My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
The funk soul brother
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
These are too funny not to post 😂
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.