At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
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Sing it!
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.