Ken is short for chicken
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Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.