4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
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I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Simple enough.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face