Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
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I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.