I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Herpes is trending, good job people
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.