Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
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What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*