My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
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Oh yeah that’s it
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Has science gone too far?
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
You have been warned.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
mom had nothing to worry about
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was