The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
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[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”