If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
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Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*