Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
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We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
good morning
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.