Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
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no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.