another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
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Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
What a website