[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
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“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Optional boss fight.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.